2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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