I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
