he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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