So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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