I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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