Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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