Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
