i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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