is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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