At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
