They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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