He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
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So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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