i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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