Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
