I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
