Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
