I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
