I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
