whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
