just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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