i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
