I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
