Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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