Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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