I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
