I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
