I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
