It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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