Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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