You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
