Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
