I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
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I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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