She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
