i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize