Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
