i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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