she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
