She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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