you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
