i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
