There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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