oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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