who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
