my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
