ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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