I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
