I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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