Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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