Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
