So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
