i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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