If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
