i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
