Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
