She is in my trunk
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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