I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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