good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
