She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
