And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
